


How You Remind Me

by DaniJayNel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AU, Based on "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback., F/F, One-Shot, mikaani
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:02:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2647868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniJayNel/pseuds/DaniJayNel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mikasa is losing control of her life, but just as she thinks she can move on, a certain someone makes the efforts to move on all for naught.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How You Remind Me

**Author's Note:**

> Something I wrote for my sister because she deserved it. Her OTP is Mikaani.

It was strange. Through the pounding of her head she could still make out the faint sense of warmth against her skin as if it were really there. She had woken only moments ago but remained still, eyes closed. Inhaling quietly, Mikasa Ackerman wondered when she would rid herself entirely of the emotions weighing her down. After a while of concentrating on her splitting headache, Mikasa groaned and turned onto her side, arm reaching out to grab a bottle of pills that stood permanently on her bedside table. With it was a glass of lukewarm water and Mikasa cringed as she swallowed a few pills down with it. _Gross._

After that she relaxed again, head now hidden strategically underneath her pillow to stop the ever flowing light from burning her eyelids. If the headache wasn’t enough, the bright light was beginning to make her nauseous. It was a common thing though, but Mikasa was in no mood to rush from her room on shaky legs, clutching at her stomach. So she groaned, breathed as evenly as she could and then waited for the pills to kick in. The side effect was drowsiness, and when it came she welcomed it. Mikasa fell into another substance induced sleep.

Hours later Mikasa was harshly yanked out of her dreams when her bed was savagely kicked, nearly startling her into toppling to the floor, and her curtains were ripped open. Though her headache had subsided dramatically she was still in poor shape and the bright light was painful enough that she groaned loudly, earning the attention of the intruder.

“Come on Mikasa, get your pale ass up already.”

Mikasa’s head rang with the voice, that to her, always sounded snide no matter what. She gritted her teeth hard and curled into herself, willing the light to fade, the noise to cease. “Go away,” she groaned lightly.

“This has been going on for a full month now. Stop being a jackass. Get up already. When is the last time you ate something? And Jesus, it smells like a bar in here.” There was a distinctive clink as bottles were accidentally kicked over. “Holy shit, it _is_ a bar in here. Mikasa, please tell me you had a party here.”

“No.”

“Holy fuck.”

“Ymir, please get out.”

Ymir, standing over Mikasa now with her hands on her hips, rolled her eyes and snorted. “Sure thing, Princess. But first I need to make sure that you aren’t starving yourself on top of all this… this alcohol.” Sighing at having to, Ymir ripped the blanket from Mikasa and then pulled the pillow from her grip. Mikasa seemed as reluctant as always so Ymir gathered her courage and pulled Mikasa out of bed herself.

“Ymir!” Mikasa yelled, flinching when it made her head pound. It was enough of a hesitance that Ymir got her onto her feet, and then Mikasa gave up struggling all together and let the brunette wrap an arm around her waist.

“Punch me later. Right now you need to eat.” Ymir pulled Mikasa to the kitchen, gently helping her into a seat. “At least you have clothes on this time.” She then went over to the stove where she had already apparently begun cooking. Mikasa’s vision blurred for a second, but then she rubbed at her eyes, sighed, and relaxed in the comfortable seat.

“Why are you here?” she asked.

Ymir turned from the stove, her eyes bored and impassive. It was always difficult to tell what she was thinking, and since Mikasa’s life had taken a downwards spiral it had become especially difficult to read anyone anymore. “Besides the fact that Krista will personally skin my freckled ass if I don’t bother,” she said. “I do care. You were there for me with all that shit with Krista, now I need to be there for you.” Ymir’s eyebrow lifted. “Even if you don’t want me here.”

Mikasa sighed, shrugging. “You’re a stubborn ass, so you wouldn’t leave even if I told you to.”

Ymir laughed loudly and turned back to continue by the stove. They said nothing more until she turned and plated a large portion of waffles. Mikasa’s mouth watered, despite how weak she knew her stomach still was.

“I still can’t believe that you can cook.”

“Again, Krista has the fate of my ass in her hands.” Ymir chuckled lightly and switched the stove off. She then went to cleaning the dishes she’d messed while Mikasa ate. It took a while, but Mikasa managed to get it all down and hold it. When she was done Ymir took her plate and fork to wash those, too, and then gave her a drink she had prepared. “Drink it up.”

Mikasa recognized the smell from within the cup and its purple liquid, but she sighed lightly and drank it without complaint. “It’s gross but at least it helps.”

“Great. Now head upstairs to shower while I clear your room of bottles. I swear, we leave you alone for _one_ weekend and you turn into a major boozer.”

Mikasa thought about protesting but decided that it was in the best of her own interest to simply concede and do as she was told, because Ymir really was there out of concern. Since… since everything had happened Ymir had been the first to jump in to help. It surprised everyone, in all honesty. Ymir’s reasoning was that now she could repay her debt to Mikasa.

When they had first met, Krista had been dating someone else. Ymir had been desperate and the two had danced around each other. At the time Krista had been going through severe problems of her own, and so she ended up leaving her partner and refusing Ymir altogether. It had taken a lot of consoling to bring Ymir’s spirit back up, and luckily it had been enough for her to win Krista over. They had been together ever since and were now inseparable. Mikasa knew that the chances of Ymir succeeding wouldn’t have been so high if she had not given Ymir that speech after punching her in the gut. Ymir had truly appreciated it and though she acted like it had been owed to her, Mikasa could see the truth when she caught Ymir looking over at her, the times when all of them were out together for drinks or for dinner. There was appreciation there. And now it was her chance to repay it, and Mikasa was thankful. Guilty, even. Not even Eren had jumped as quickly to come to her aid. But he had his own life, and if Krista wasn’t such an understanding sweetheart, she might have been upset with Ymir for her continued, laborious efforts. Mikasa didn’t want to say that they were fruitless, though. If it weren’t for Ymir then she probably wouldn’t have considered the idea of eating and sustaining her health.

Quietly Mikasa showered and then clothed herself. When she was done she found Ymir back in the kitchen, finishing what looked like a meal for an entire family. She was packing it all up and putting the containers in the fridge. Afterwards she sighed lightly in satisfaction, and then she turned upon hearing Mikasa’s footsteps.

“Feel human yet?” she asked.

Mikasa nodded. “What is the food for?”

“Eating.” Ymir rolled her eyes. “I can’t come here every day, so I decided to make something that you can just heat up, or I can. I have about thirty minutes if I rush here from work at lunch time.”

Mikasa felt the returning feelings of guilt, and she wished that she could simply escape the claws of her emotions. But their clutches were tight, and she pressed a fist to her aching chest. “Thank you.” It was all she needed to say. Ymir sensed the broodiness, so she sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.

“You need to get laid.”

Mikasa’s heart clenched. “No.”

“You have to get over Annie sometime, Mikasa.”

Flinching, Mikasa turned away. “It’s only been a month. It will take longer than that.”

Ymir went over to gently clasp Mikasa’s elbow in her hand. Though her grip was light, it was warm, and for a brief second Mikasa felt a memory resurface.

_“Oh my god, Mikasa! Your hands are so cold!”_

_“Sorry. I tried to warm them first.”_

_“Come here, put them on my stomach.”_

_“But they’re cold.”_

_“Yeah, and do I look like I care?”_

_“Don’t punch me when it’s cold.”_

_“Keep grinning like that and I just might anyway.”_

Flinching from Ymir’s touch, Mikasa rubbed at her elbow and sighed. “Did you simply get laid after everything with Krista went downhill?”

Ymir straightened and blew a long breath. “A few times, yeah. It did help but afterwards I was just left with stranger’s panties and regret.” Mikasa managed to crack a tiny smile. “Oh my god, did _the_ Mikasa almost smile? I should get my camera.”

Now Mikasa was smiling outright and it felt entirely too good. Considering it for a second, Mikasa decided against her heart’s screaming and she sighed. “Fine, take me out wherever.”

“Are you serious?”

“No but you should probably take action before I change my mind.”

Laughing like a teenager, Ymir dragged Mikasa out with her and practically threw her into the car. When they were strapped in she called anyone she could and organized a meet-up at the local bar. Most of her friends agreed, and Ymir grinned the entire ride there.

“Are you sure that it’s not just _you_ that wants to get laid?”

Ymir snorted. “Oh please, I can get some whenever I want. I don’t need a bar or alcohol.”

Mikasa smiled into the palm of her hand. “I remember you telling us what a sex kitten Krista is.”

Ymir paled. “Please don’t tell her we had this conversation.”

Even though Krista truly did hold a lot of an advantage over Ymir, the brunette was still intent on teasing her whenever she could. A few times had ended rather badly, but they were all worth it to see the look of embarrassment and horror on Krista’s face. Ymir sighed just remembering it.

“You bragged about Annie, remember? How the both of you actually broke the bed.”

Mikasa stiffened, casting Ymir a glance. “Can we please not talk about her?”

“Shit, sorry. It’s habit.” Ymir’s hands tightened on the steering wheel and she chewed on her lip lightly. “You know,” she started. “There might be a chance that she’ll come back.”

“ _Ymir._ ”

“What?! I get it. She left you the day after you proposed. It stings like shit. But I’ve known Annie longer than you have. She’s always had trust issues, but you are the one person she could ever truly trust. Just pissing off like she did doesn’t really make sense.”

“She told me that she simply doesn’t want that kind of commitment.” Mikasa hated that her words came out like venom. She felt even worse when Ymir flinched, but the brunette was stubborn if not persistent.

“I’m just saying, get laid a few times, clear your head.”

“You’re telling me she might come back and then telling me to sleep with other people?”

Ymir shrugged. “Worked for me. Nothing makes you miss romantic sex more than random fucking, trust me.”

“I’m not you, Ymir. I’ve loved Annie from the first moment I saw her. I still do. These feelings won’t disappear, no matter how many women I conquer.”

The air in the car became stiff, almost awkward. Ymir regretted having brought the topic up, but decided to let it go. “Okay, forget getting laid. It’s too early and I was jumping the gun. I’m sorry. How about you just hang out with us for the day? The others haven’t seen you since Annie left.”

“I’ll agree as long as you stop saying her name.”

“Fine, fine. Promise not to ditch us after an hour?”

Reluctantly Mikasa nodded. “Sure.”

“That’s good enough for me. Let’s go.”

They reached the bar and headed inside, and Mikasa felt a strange tightness in her chest when she caught sight of Armin waving their way. He seemed immensely relieved to see her after so long, but concerned at the way her face had hardened, eyes cupped by dark circles and skin much paler than usual. He could tell that she had fallen into despair. The worry and pity that filled his eyes almost caused Mikasa to spin on her heel and flee, but she bit on her tongue and continued, greeting everyone with a strained smile. Only Ymir could see the true pain behind her eyes.

XxX

“Are you having fun yet?”

Mikasa’s only outward response was a slight shrug of her shoulders.

Ymir, leaning beside Mikasa who was seated on a bar stool, sighed and leaned toward her to speak over the loud noise around them. “You okay? Feeling any better?”

 _No._ “Yeah.”

“Why not socialize a little? Armin has been too nervous to come over and speak to you.”

Mikasa sighed. “Unlike you, Armin knows his boundaries.”

Ymir would have argued had it not been true. “I interfere because I care.” She spotted Krista finally entering the bar and grinned more broadly than she’d admit. Mikasa saw it, so the black haired woman elbowed her lightly and then inclined her head in Krista’s direction.

“Go to her.”

“But what about you?” Ymir sounded less reluctant than she had hoped, but didn’t want to rush away from Mikasa’s side.

“I’m fine,” Mikasa told her. She stiffly finished her drink and then stood from the stool. “I said I’d stay, but I really need to take a walk and clear my head.” She started for the door but was stopped when Ymir gently touched a finger to her hand.

“If you need me, I’ll have my cell on vibrate.”

Mikasa smiled more genuinely than she had in a while. “Thank you Ymir, I will keep that in mind.” She left then, many of Ymir’s words that day staying with her. After going for a walk she took a taxi home and then reluctantly she pulled out a few fresh bottles of wine, sat down in her living room, and popped the cork.

It wasn’t until the next day that Mikasa really felt like Ymir’s words resonated with her. She hated what a mess she had become. Was it possible to regain control over her life? The only way was to try and the only one that could possibly do it was herself. And so Mikasa decided to attempt to move on.

A month passed and Mikasa’s efforts were steadily showing success. She definitely slept more and no longer required Ymir’s packed food. Though the black haired woman did miss Ymir’s cooking, she felt relieved to no longer need that from her friend. Ymir still came over whenever she could, complaining less and less as she saw Mikasa pick up where she had stopped. It was nice to return to society, and though everything still hurt and it was all still too raw, Mikasa could look upon the world without scorn and without blankness. Now she allowed herself to _feel_ it all, even the difficult emotions.

At the end of the month Mikasa had just finished making her favourite—stir fry. It was packed with vegetables and noodles, and just standing there while she mixed everything together in the wok made her mouth water. Afterwards she headed into the lounge with a bowl, chop sticks and a bottle of beer. It was night-time already and there was a rugby game on that Mikasa was prepared to distract herself with. But when she sat down to relax and eat, her cellphone rang. She rolled her eyes as she answered.

“What are you wearing?” the voice asked from the other end of the call, husky and panting.

The corner of Mikasa’s mouth twitched ever so slightly. “Hi Ymir. What’s up?”

Ymir laughed. “Damnit. I just lost twenty bucks. Krista bet that you’d recognize it as me, I bet otherwise.”

Mikasa situated the chopsticks properly in her right hand. “You’ve always been a fool.”

“You’re warming my heart with the compliment, Mika baby.”

Stifling a laugh, Mikasa lifted food to her mouth. “So, to what do I owe the honour?”

“Well, the squirt and I wanted to know if you’re busy this Saturday.”

“Hang on.” Mikasa lowered her phone to quickly open her calendar, going to her to-do’s and tasks. When nothing significant was there, she quickly closed her calendar and returned the phone to her ear. “I don’t have anything important going on. Just gym and then I was going to watch movies. Why?”

“We’re heading out to the beach. Wanna come with us? We can surf and ogle babes in bikinis.”

“More like you can get yourself beaten half to death.”

“I tell her Mikasa, but she doesn’t listen,” Krista said from somewhere in the background. Ymir complained and was silence by either a hit or a kiss, Mikasa couldn’t tell.

“So?” Ymir asked, clearing her throat. “It’ll be nice to get away from the city for a bit.”

Mikasa took her time thinking about it, leisurely eating her stir fry and looking between the game and her beer. Eventually she chuckled. “Sounds like fun.”

Ymir hollered in delight, laughing at something Krista had done. She’d probably startled the poor blonde. “Fuck yeah! I knew my Mikasa was still in there. So do you still have that black bikini? I’ve made a bet that your abs have demoted from an eight pack to a six pack.”

“Ymir never learns,” Krista commented loudly.

Mikasa took a breath to respond, but paused when her doorbell rang. The strangest nervousness took her, and suddenly losing her appetite, she put her bowl down and swallowed. “I’ll call back, someone’s at the door.”

“Well, okay.”

Mikasa ended the call without saying goodbye, barely realizing it. She could not fathom the sudden tightness in her throat—maybe it was because no one ever rang the bell. It was almost invisible thanks to how small the damn button was and how well it was hidden. Only one person would really know where to find it.

Trembling, Mikasa went over to the door and opened it. The breath then left her, like she had just been punched in the gut. She almost felt suffocated, but remembered to breathe, and inhaled sharply.

“A-Annie,” she uttered, face set in shock, eyes wide.

Annie was just as beautiful as Mikasa remembered—though, mind you, it had only been two months since she had left. Though such little time had passed, Annie looked different in terms of stance and presence. The way her blue eyes looked up at Mikasa was different, too, and Mikasa wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She could barely wrap her head around the fact that Annie was standing before her. Perhaps it was a dream, but this felt all too real.  

“I’m sorry,” Annie stated before anything else. Her eyes clouded over with something real and tangible.

“You’re sorry?” Mikasa asked. Despite it all, despite Annie having left without word, without warning, Mikasa couldn’t bring herself to feel anger towards her. There was only sadness and heartbreak, and the ever consuming confusion and insecurity. Had she really been that wrapped up in her own feelings that she had never considered if Annie loved her that much too? “Sorry for what?”

Annie’s smile was both exasperated and pained. “For leaving. What else?”

“I just… didn’t think you’d come back just to apologise.”

“Can I come in?”

Mikasa stepped aside, opening the door more widely. “Of course. I just made dinner. Would you like some?”

Annie only nodded her head, walking down the hallway into the living room. She spotted the half eaten bowl of stir fry, the beer and the game in full swing on the television. She frowned. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”

Mikasa sighed lightly, unsure what to say or what to feel. Annie didn’t seem all that affected by it all, not until she looked up and caught Mikasa staring. Mikasa couldn’t understand why she suddenly seemed so angry. “Is everything okay?”

Annie dropped down onto the couch and pressed her face into her hands. “Of course you’d be more concerned than upset. I came here expecting you to slam the door in my face and tell me never to come back.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Mikasa leaned against the nearby wall. “It would have made sense, yeah.”

“So why? Why do you let me in and offer me your goddamn favourite food?”

It was a valid question, one that Mikasa had been asking herself. Seeing Annie here didn’t upset her, it relieved her instead. The pain was there, throbbing in the centre of her chest. But she had gone to great pains to work her way through the emotions, and maybe now with Annie here she could get the closure that she needed. And perhaps, if she dared to hope, maybe Annie would give her a reason not to move on at all.

“Why did you leave?” Mikasa asked softly. It was clear that she wouldn’t give Annie a solid reason for why she hadn’t started yelling yet. “I know you said that you aren’t interested in marriage, but that’s too simple an answer. Is it me? Was I failing you somehow?”

“God no!” Annie yelled, standing. She balled her hands up into fists and shoved them into her jacket pockets. “You’re damn perfect and you know it. What I did wasn’t because of you.”

“Then why?”

“I was scared.”

Mikasa unfolded her arms. “Scared of what?”

“Of how perfect you are. Of the possibility of screwing things up with you.” She laughed sardonically and rolled her eyes. “Guess I did anyway.”

“So you left me because you were scared of losing me? That makes no sense.”

“I went down to the coast, to visit Bertholdt and Reiner. It was really beautiful there, but the more I thought about how I’d freaked out and left, the more I realized how leaving had made no sense. I’m not here to beg for you to forgive me or take me back. I just wanted to tell you and to apologise. I should have spoken with you before just packing my things and disappearing into the night.”

Mikasa nodded. “You should have.” She pushed off from the wall and reached out to take Annie’s hand before the blonde could turn away from her. “But if this is the only reason you left, then I have no reason to forgive you, because I suppose I sprung that proposal on you without discussing it first.”

“Commitment scares me.”

“I realize that now.”

“Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

“Over these past two months I’ve learnt to control my emotions. I don’t hurt anymore. It’ll take a little while to completely get over it, but having you here will help.”

Annie looked up in surprise. “I’m not—”

“This is your home, Annie. I moved in with you. It’s not fair to expect you to stay somewhere else. Besides,” Smiling, she pulled Annie in for a tight hug. “I missed you.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I am.”

“I’m an idiot too.”

“But we’re better as a pair of idiots, than separate ones. If you’re willing to come back… I haven’t touched any of your things.”

Tears burnt Annie’s eyes. “See? You’re so perfect that it scares me sometimes.” She truly had not expected to come back and be pulled into the arms she had missed.

“I said I love you Annie, and I swear I still do.”

Maybe it was a dream, and neither wanted to wake from it. Maybe it was reality, and they wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.


End file.
